The word lingers in my heart like an unspoken dream that can’t let itself drift off to the depths…it wants to hang on…You’ve felt it, too, I’m sure…

Disappointment.

I thought it would be different. I thought I heard him promise something that now doesn’t even seem possible.

I remind myself that his ways are higher.

There is a way that seems right to man…but that path leads to destruction.

What happens when things don’t go the way we thought? What happens when we were so sure the Lord had showed us something…told us something…gave us a deep desire for this thing…only to find out it is not to be? How does faith brim up to the surface then?

Lord, help my unbelief.

It feels so selfish. People are suffering all across the world, and I sit here in the darkness in my mind trying desperately to fight my way out of it. Don’t let it ensnare me again…

I’ll paint the walls white. I’ll put up new lights that make the house brighter. I’ll take the supplements. All in an effort to keep the darkness in my mind at bay. Will that work?

Probably not.

But one thing will.

There is Hope, but it is not to be found in the realized dreams, in the imagined reality, in the new paint…there is but one Hope.

Hope’s name is Jesus. And some 2000 years ago, he laid down his life for mine. And for yours. In the way that only true Love can. In blood and gore, he poured himself out til water ran clear. He gave everything for this broken world…this world breaking with disappointment…disappointment that just lingers. A world fighting in whatever way it can come up with to keep the darkness at bay. But the world is not equipped to fight back. Only Light can do that.

When Jesus laid down his life, all that darkness was completely overcome. Kind of like a tomb shattering and all the light comes screaming out of every crack and crevice in the stone….disintegrating any rubble in its path.

This day is GOOD. It reminds us that our disappointments in this present age are but a breath. We have perfection to look forward to.

Light reigns.

Jesus reigns.

Forevermore.

*if you find yourself here reading the words that tumble out of my mind, and you don’t know this Hope…this Love…please message me. I’d love to chat. Not to convince you of anything, but just because I’d like to know you. 🤍

Does the Lord ever just whisper right on through your spirit something so powerful that a hole wears out in that spot and it forever changes the way you see things? All of the sudden, everything you see is viewed through the lens of this new area He has worn right onto your heart.  

I’m reading this really fabulous book. I recommend it to any teen girl or woman. (There are so many things in this book that speak truth to the beauty of God’s creation…YOU… but this is kind of a random little snippet that came at me out of nowhere in my reading.) Jess Connolly writes in Breaking Free from Body Shame: Dare to Reclaim What God has Named Good…

“I think about the Israelites a lot. I think about how it would feel to hear the cries of those whose homes had not been passed over. I think about how it would have felt to slip out of their homes with their belongings and their children huddled together, in the middle of the night or the early morning, escaping slavery but also leaving behind any sense of belonging. I wonder how it felt to find themselves provided for in the desert with manna from God, yet long to go back to what they knew, long to go back to normal. I think about the ever-present hope of the promised land, and how often they must have doubted its existence…”  (emphasis added.)

They left their normal…chains and all…behind them. And it was not easy. 

How many times over the last couple of years has my heart cried to God, “I just want things to go back to normal!”  How many times have I heard others say the same? But I read this page, and the Lord opened my eyes to something I’ve been missing all along. 

When Christ died, his disciples were in shock. Mortified. They had lost hope. And yet. Jesus had warned them multiple times what was to come. He had told them quite plainly, but they were blinded. Understanding was far beyond their reach. They just wanted things to go back to normal. 

The council who had Stephen stoned…they believed (or their fear of the abnormal led them to want to believe) that Stephen was speaking blasphemy against Moses and God, but this was not true. They just couldn’t understand. They were missing a piece to the puzzle…all the while being certain they had the complete picture. They just wanted things to go back to normal. The early church might have felt the same way at this time…just wishing things could go back to normal.

Normal is safe. Normal is comfortable. But here is the piercing question that the Lord whispered right through me the other night….

“Does ‘normal’ advance my Kingdom? Does ‘normal’ bring you any closer to the promised land? IF you doubt the existence of the promised land, then it makes sense to crave ‘normal’. But if you trust me…if you trust me… let’s venture out into new territory and never look back. Because this is where Kingdom advancement takes place…in the abnormal… 

The ‘abnormal’ that the disciples were plunged into after Yeshua Messiah died and rose again brought a beautiful harvest. The ‘abnormal’ that the first century church was pushed into with the persecution of the Christians saw many souls welcomed into eternal paradise with our Lord. 

I will no longer let myself dwell on a desire to go back to normal. I’m ready for new land. I’m ready to see Kingdom growth. Let it be, Lord. 

If I were to flip back the pages of my journal to 3 years ago, I would see a specific sentence repeated on nearly every page. My heart poured this sentence out to my Lord….to my husband…on the heavy pages of my journal. I felt it so deep. “I’m just so utterly alone in the midst of a crowd of people.” Even the Lord felt distant.

It was a difficult time. Depression is an ugly beast. Isn’t it interesting how when we’re really just in the “thick of it” in life, we can often fail to see the mercies, the lessons, the loving guidance and companionship that He offers? It was a long twelve…maybe even eighteen months. As I reflect on that time now, I can see so much I couldn’t see before. I can see the lessons He had for me. I can see the way he was growing me…preparing me…calling me closer…beckoning…

A few days ago I read the account of the woman with the issue of blood in Luke 8. Remember the story? Jesus was on assignment. He was heading to heal a very sick young girl. But in the crowd, there was a woman. Twelve years. Twelve years she had been an outcast, alone…literally…. Unclean. Anyone she would have touched would have been also considered unclean…but not Jesus. She touched him, and he cleansed her!

He said, “Daughter, your faith has made you well.”

I LOVE that! “Daughter…,”

He claimed her! Right in the midst of the crowd of people, the woman who wasn’t noticed…he CLAIMED her! No longer unclean. No longer an outcast. No longer alone.

Friends, this is what Jesus does. He sees the unseen. He values and claims the outcast. He sees and values YOU!

That depression-monster could creep back in at any moment, and I’m well aware of the fact that I may not always be able to stop it in its tracks. But I also know that when I, as a child of God, walk in the realization that he has claimed me and not a moment of my broken life…the ugly parts…the unclean parts…not one bit of it is unseen or unredeemed. When I embrace that?… I can walk a bit lighter and joy comes a bit easier.

Death and chaos. All around. Seemingly. And while beautiful things can rise from the ashes of loss, craters are often left in their wake. 

Tragedy? To our finite minds, it is simply not how it’s meant to be. Young lives are meant to be lived. After all, didn’t Christ come to give LIFE to the fullest? 

I wonder…when Job fell on his face to worship the Lord after losing everything and everyone…how heavy was that fall? I see it almost like it’s in slow motion…a rippling out of earth from that epicenter that could cause an earthquake strong enough to shatter the continents. Could his bones even hold him up any longer? Is this what truly relying on God looks like- we literally can no longer hold ourselves up- so we fall, or crumple, at his feet?

A friend texted recently with a list – a long list – of all the people she knew who were sick, in pain, losing loved ones…facing tragedy…dying…and she said, “The weary world is struggling to rejoice.” Indeed, so it seems, but that means we must remind ourselves of some truth.

Christmas is long over. My decorations are neatly tucked away in their boxes except for one thing. This year, I just wanted to leave it out a while longer. My heart needs to be reminded that we do have HOPE, and we WILL rejoice. 

Jesus-the God-man- our Hope-He looked around and saw death. I imagine his heart shattering as he witnessed first hand, with vulnerable human eyes, the depth of the destruction sin leaves in its wake. And he wept. And he WAS the Hope. So I know that we can weep and still look to our Hope. 

Friend, the promises of God are trustworthy and true. They give us reason to rejoice.

“You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn into joy…I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart, I have overcome the world.”

~Jesus (John 16:20b,33)

Past tense. “I have overcome…” It is done. Finished. The work is complete. That is a promise we can rest on. He has overcome! Take heart. Be encouraged. Let that thrill of Hope rise up in you. Morning is coming.

“A woman who lived in that town, a sinner who was aware that he was eating in the home of the Parush (Pharisee), brought an alabaster box of very expensive perfume, stood behind Yeshua at his feet and wept until her tears began to wet his feet. Then she wiped his feet with her own hair, kissed his feet and poured the perfume on them…’I tell you that her sins-which are many!-have been forgiven, because she loved much.'”-Luke 7:37-38,47(CJB)

What is the state of my alabaster box? 

You see, the alabaster box was a porous stone box sealed with perfume in it. Because it was porous it would slowly release fragrance over many years. The custom was that when a girl reached an age appropriate for marriage, her family would purchase an alabaster box filled with expensive perfume to be used as part of her dowry. When a suitor would ask for her hand in marriage, if the proposal was to be accepted, the box would be broken at his feet. This would likely be the only thing of value a woman might own. Once the box was broken or opened, the scent could no longer be contained.

A special item…to be saved for a special man. 

This woman, this precious woman…I feel like I know this woman…a sinner…

We have so much in common. 

How uncomfortable must she have been? She went to the Pharisee’s home, where she would not have been received with open arms, because she knew that Yeshua would be there. I imagine her, heart fluttering, stomach turning, running home to grab her one item of value, and racing the streets just to be where he was. 

Just to sit at his feet…because on some primal level, deep in her spirit, she knew that this Yeshua could turn her ashes to beauty. 

And so, she broke the alabaster…at his feet…where she wept…believed…hoped…worshipped…loved…  

She left a lot lying on the floor that day.

And the part that is so shocking and also not shocking at all…He loved her right back. He washed the filth right off.

He loved her from before time began..this was just the first moment she began to realize it.

After watching this scene play out in my mind, I again have to ask myself…What is the state of my alabaster box? Am I completely broken open? Fully surrendered? Poured out?

Jesus poured out his very blood for us…

So, Lord, today and every day, take more of me…

Today, this is my heart song. I will bow my life…

Deep breaths now…here we go.  

If you’re here right now, it’s probably because you already know me. You are a kind and supportive friend. You are loved and appreciated. 

But in case someone happens upon this little corner of the internet, I suppose I should begin with an introduction: 

Welcome!  My name is Danielle.  I am a Jesus-loving pastor’s wife, homeschooling mama of four who also manages to cram a full time work-from-home job into the schedule. I lean on Jesus to survive. He is my sustenance….my Living Water. Coffee helps too!

I have spent my fair share of time in the wilderness of this life, and I guess, in some ways, I think we’re all sort of in the wilderness until that great and glorious day when we meet the God-man Jesus face to face–that day we’ll finally make it to the Promised Land. I have wrestled in the wilderness. I have come near to giving up…laid down, cried and waited to be devoured in the wilderness. But I have also found the Lord, the lover of my soul, in that place, and He has spoken tender words to me there. I have truly found Him to be my refuge and strong tower…

“Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy. Let me dwell in your tent forever! Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings.”

Psalm 61:1-4

Sometimes, I yearn to get in touch with a piece of myself that seems to have drifted away in the busyness of life, and so, I’ve decided to write. Maybe no one will read what I write, and that’s ok. Maybe one person will stumble upon these words and be encouraged. So I will write. And I will pray that you are built up, strengthened and made aware of the fact that you are not alone. Friend, you are seen and known by the Almighty. 

Welcome. There is much beauty to be found along the road in the wilderness.  May we all have eyes to see it.